My darling Beth.
My one and only.
The only person who will ever call me Mummy and I will answer with silent butterflies in my tummy every time you call my name.
I am your Mother, the one who carried you for 9 months, who spent 12 hours trying to bring you into this world in the safest way possible, the one who watches you silently when you are sleeping and has little conversations with you whilst you are in deep slumber, you always answer with “I love you too Mummy” even though you have no idea what I have just said and nor will you have any recollection of it in the morning.
You are the one who my heart beats for, the one person who has heard it beat from the inside, not even realising that was the first song you ever heard. That beating rhythm was the sound of my love for you, the song of a Mothers love for her unborn child. You are the one person who makes my heart feel whole, you are the one who can piece it all back together when I am shattered yet you are also the one who can quickly break it.
Last night, that’s what you did. You broke my heart and you didn’t even know it.
I brought you into this world to do good things, to make a difference in this crazy place we call life. And you do. You do it everyday. So why my darling, why can’t you see this? Why can’t you see how special you really are?
There is a magic about you Bethany Emilia. There is a fire in your belly and a twinkle in your eye. You have a magic ability to make people feel at ease, some would call it a gift even. You have a fierce spirit about you, a wild heart yet so kind and pure. You are the most loving soul with a nurturing nature, a need to look after those you love and a constant desire to protect them. You are a girl with so much character and I can honestly say, you are a complete enigma. A rarity.
Last night when you broke my heart, it wasn’t because you did or said anything wrong. It’s because you said the words I never wanted to hear you say…
“But Mum, listen to me, I can’t, I’m not clever or intelligent, I’m just thick. I’m not good enough”
My heart shattered in that very moment because for the first time, you and I weren’t on the same page. For the first time, my words of reassurance weren’t enough for you, I couldn’t make you see how special you are. I couldn’t make you understand that you are good enough, that you are more than good enough. For the first time, I was in this battle alone, I couldn’t pick up the phone to your Nanny and ask her to get through to you because I know that when you don’t listen to me, you hang on her every word, she’s not here any more and all you have is my word, and my words just weren’t enough.
There are people in this life who sail through. They breeze through school, the pass every exam with distinction, they fall into a good job with a high income and they just keep sailing. And then there are the others, the ones who have to work extra hard at school, the ones who apply everything they have to pass those exams, that have to fight for every opportunity, that have to fight for everything they can. And, there are some, who sit in the middle, and there is never anything wrong with being in the middle, in fact, there is nothing wrong with any of those people. Because at the end of the day, we are all just trying to get by in life the best way we can, we are all enough.
You at an a testing age right now, an age where the possibilities are endless but the stress is there. Your teachers drill it into you that good grades will get you good jobs, they tell you that the day you sit your exams will pave the way for your future, they tell you those grades mean everything. And you believe it. Because they said so.
Your teachers only know what they see in the classroom, they don’t see you when you are in the car singing “Sweet Caroline” word for word, they don’t see it when your siblings tell you to shut up because you’re out of tune and tone deaf, they don’t see how it makes you sing even louder. They don’t see how you come home from school and tend to your rabbit, how you nurture him like your baby, how you make sure he is clean, fed and watered, how you ensure his little hutch is safe and warm. The don’t see you sort through your washing into colour piles and pop it into the machine with vigour. They don’t see you pick up the hoover and clean the house for us before we come home from work without being asked. They don’t see how immaculate your bedroom is, how your drawers are organised into sections all neatly arranged and in order. They don’t see you go write lists every day of the things you need to do each day so you don’t forget anything. They don’t see you pick up the phone to your Grandad every couple of days to make sure he’s ok, that’s he’s eaten and that he’s not lonely because Nanny isn’t here. They don’t hear you on the phone to your brothers when you reassure Gianluca that it’s ok to be himself and you embrace his love of dramatics, they don’t see you nurture little Alex when he’s tired and needs a cuddle, they don’t see the way Lyla looks at you in awe because she wants to be just like you when she grows up, they don’t see how George sees you as his best friend even though you fight like cat and dog. Your teachers don’t see you cook a mean pasta or make a grand cup of tea just the way your Nanny liked it. They don’t see you commit ourself to dance lessons twice a week and work your little feet off despite the fact co-ordination and rhythm aren’t your forte yet at ever show you’ve done, you’ve breezed it as though you’re Beyonce. They don’t see you set little alarms so you are never late for anything. They don’t see you go to work on a Sunday every week or how you spend your wages buying thoughtful gifts for everyone. They didn’t see you cry when you saw an ambulance outside a poorly neighbours flat a couple of nights ago even though you barely know her. They don’t see you count your money and organise your spending priorities. Your teachers don’t see how thrifty you are or the people that come up my door because you have sold something you no longer use and put the profit in your money jar. They don’t see you rearrange your bedroom every week or how you constantly redecorate it with gusto. They don’t see what I see.
I see a girl who is beyond her years, a girl who will make it through life with or without grades because you are already paving your future without even realising it. I see a girl who has built up all the skills needed to be an independent woman in a big wide world. I see a girl who will one day raise a family and be the kind of Mother every child deserves. I see a girl who has team building skills, organisation and time keeping management. I see a girl who works as a team, who leads the way and is looked up to. I see a girl who shows empathy and understanding to others, who embraces everyone for who they are and encourages them to be the best version of themselves. I see girl who is communicator, a listener and a team player.I see a girl with determination and strength, a girl who will fight hard for what she wants and will always find a solution.
I see in front of me, a young woman unfolding who will be as successful as the rest all because you fought hard to get there. I see a young woman that I am proud to call my daughter.
When the time comes to enter that big world of work, your potential employer isn’t going to care about the hours you spent annotating Act 1 scene 4 of Inspector Calls, he won’t care about Volcanic Ash and the role of Wing Attack on the Netball Court, he will care about you, and what you can bring to the table, and, my baby girl, you bring so much. You bring it because your are more than enough.
Stop telling yourself you aren’t enough, that you’re not intelligent or clever because you are. You so are. You have everything it takes to be a successful employer, or an entrepreneur, a CEO or an Ambassador of a global organisation, you have everything it takes to be whatever you want to be.
Don’t let the next two years drag you down because you are so focused on getting those grades, whatever those grades may be you can only do your best, because your best is good enough. Because you are good enough.
You were brought into this world to do good things, and you do them baby girl. You do them well.
All my love “Chica Bella”