There comes a time in life when you have to sit back and quite honestly say "fuck it" or, quite recently, I've found myself saying "fuck 'em" quite a lot.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm a tricky character to like, and if you get past my prickly surface and actually do like me (and I return the compliment) then you'll understand that I'm a massive softie at heart.
I've always been an open book, some might say a little too open. Bloody hell, I think half of the passengers on the X1 bus into Kettering know my life story by now (I'm exaggerating massively so don't get it twisted) but, I don't feel like I have a lot to hide. If something isn't my fault, I will make sure you know it, if I've been a wanker, I will own it, and, if I've got a story to tell, trust me, I will bloody well tell it.
I very often get told to hold back a little, don't let people in so quickly because I always end up getting stung, but how the bloody hell do you people manage to do that? I just can't seem to master the art. And, more often than not, it leads to this sensitive soul nursing a bruised heart and wounded pride.
I am forever playing the blame game because I am so honestly open. No, I'm not the one pinning the blame, I'm usually the one taking the blame. The problem is, when you are an honest person who tells it like it is and takes no shit from any fucker, you'll alway be the first in the firing line.
Back in the days before Paul and in the early dating days, I wasn't the most popular of people where I lived. I was a bit of a marmite character, always opening my trap and speaking my mind, gobbing off at any sign of a troubled situation or jumping to the defence of myself or others if I felt the situation warranted it. Fact of the matter is, looking at it now, I wish I'd kept my mouth zipped for at least 78% of those situations. I'd make so many enemies coming to the defence of my cretin sibling who no longer has any importance in my life. She'd run to me and tell me someone was giving her grief and there I was, jumping to her defence, little did I know, it was always her fault in the first place and no sooner had I gobbed off, she was crawling back into their warm arsehole and leaving me to take the shit instead. Living in a small town, people never forgot that and I was always known for my mouth. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't always down to her. People would tell me things that would often contradict their behaviour and me being so big on doing the right thing, would openly say "hold up a minute, you weren't saying that last night" and there it went again, I was in the wrong and made out to look a twat once more. Public enemy numero uno.
Now if you did take the time to get to know me well enough, you'd have realised I was actually so much more than a chopsy mare. I like to think of myself as very caring, always preferring to hurt with the truth than a lie, I'd give the shirt off my back and be the first person to offer my help should it be needed, and, even if you didn't need it, I'd stick my nose in and give it anyway. It's just who I am. I get off on making other people smile, making them happy and generally just trying to do the right thing. My closest friends will always tell you I've always been misunderstood, that in order to understand me, you need to get to know me first. People mistake my confident exterior for appearing a little superior or even a bit "in your face" but I'm far from it, I lack so much confidence and self esteem. I'm usually the one trying to boost other people's rather than build up my own. One thing I will always pride myself on is being a bloody good friend, a loyal one, a generous one who would hand you the world on a plate if I could.
And that's where I find the "fuck 'Em" attitude comes into play these days.
When I had my hysterectomy, I quickly found out who my friends really weren't, no longer good for a night out, the phone stopped ringing, no longer interested in talking about squirting breast milk and shitty nappies because I secretly envied the fact I could never do it again, the Mum friends dwindled and stopped bringing the ankle biters over (maybe they just didn't know what to say so they stayed away, however, it's been three years since my womb was carved out like a pumpkin so it's been long enough to fret over conversation) and, when I met Paul, people seemed to think I was going to be one of these sap types who relies solely on the gift of everyday penis for company. NO! I STILL NEEDED MY FRIENDS. I moved away and it got worse, in fact, it became almost like a comedy show, one male friend who was always like a brother figure to me suddenly went from being my absolute rock to thinking I was madly in love with him and cut me off in order to 'save the heartbreak'.Why? Because I sent a text saying "I'm homesick and I miss you. Can I see you soon?" Well that was it, he assumed I suddenly wanted a bit of side dick and was kicked to the friendship curb. I later found out he had a new Mrs who was threatened by my presence in his life and didn't want to travel 90 miles just to feel inferior. Trust me, that would never have happened, we'd have sat in my garden talking about periods, cupcakes and my dislike for blow jobs.
*and if that person is reading this, trust me, side dick isn't a thing for me, it's never even been an option, I mean, have you seen Paul? And, if side dick was ever a part of my moral compass, I'd definitely punch harder and go for a 10 rather than a 2.5. Save me the heartbreak? Bed's the place for dreaming son.*
But, here I am, two and a half years into living my best life with the family I've always wanted and still trying to learn who my friends are. For me, I live by two friendship rules.
1 • A friend will always prove themselves to be worthy of that title, until then, they're simply an acquaintance.
2 • A friend will never make you question their place in your life, and if they do, cut them off. Pronto.
Now I have two best friends, they live back in the place I used to call home (and even further than that) yet I never have to question their friendship. They accept me as I am and vice versa. I often say I would never need another friend again as long as I have those two. Nobody could replace them, they're my queens, my bride tribe.
However, it's taken my quite some time to build up a Christmas card list living in this area. No longer doing school runs means it gets tricky going out and meeting people, I just have to rely on fate and the powers that be. But, I'm getting there, and I've slowly built up a little catalogue of friends that I'm proud to call extended family. I feel lucky to have them in my life and will hold onto them all like the treasures they are.
I've also accepted that not everybody you think is your friend, is actually that. Some people will only want you because you serve a purpose. Some will pretend to the outside world to be something they're not and, when you no longer fit into their little box, they'll drop you like you've got monkey aids. Some will only want to call you a friend so they can watch what you do and still continue to watch what you do when that friendship has proven to have run its course. Some will only want you when it suits them and some, some will wipe their arse on your heart and leave a massive skid mark, but that's ok, skid marks will flush away eventually. And that my dears, is when I say quite honestly "fuck 'em" because I don't need to waste my time on meaningless relationships with anyone anymore.
And nor do you.
I suppose the meaning of the post is this, stop wasting your time on those who don't deserve it. See your time as an investment, is it worth investing in a person just to get nothing out? I see so many people complaining that people have abused the gift of friendship and they're hurting. That's fine, it's natural, you're hurt because you gave all you had and yet here you are, wondering why? What did you do? The answer is usually nothing. You just let them constantly take until you had nothing more to give and then what's left? Not a great deal. Be kind to yourself, let go of the people that drag you down, let go of people that make you sad.
Just fuck 'em
All photos are of my friends. Fuck 'ems have no place in my photo gallery. No fuck 'em has been harmed in the making of this post, that would require them to have feelings of which they have none. Just as they have no regard for yours. ❤️
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