Have you ever wondered what words will be enscribed on your gravestone? Yes, maybe it’s a slightly morbid thought but I have. Whenever I have taken a walk through a cemetary, I often look at the headstones, reading the beautiful inscriptions and feeling pain for those that lost a Mother too young, a baby that was too good for this Earth, a Grandfather who would have once sat his Grandchild on his knee telling stories of old.
Each one tells a different story and I often wonder what mine will say. Do I want it to say how I was once a Mother? Will it ever say I’m a wife (if Paul ever gets his arse into gear)? Will it ever say anything that defines me as a personality? Will I ever really leave footprints in peoples hearts and a legacy behind.
Recently, a school friend of mine wrote a post for everyone on her Facebook, a post that made my heart fall into the murky depths of my arse, a post that should never have ever had to be written, a post that must have been the hardest thing she had ever had to write. Stacey broke the news to us all that she has Cancer. Not a cold, not a chronic dose of the shits. She has cancer and there is nothing that can be done for her. Stacey is just 34 years old and she is going to leave us all years before her time because chemo isn’t going to do anything more than buy her a little time, if it works, she will be with us for a few months and if it doesn’t, she will be lucky to see Summer through. And that sucks big hairy bollucks. Bollucks that could do with a good shave, that smell vinegary and are squeezed into boxers that are far too small. You get the jist right? It’s just fucking bollucks and it’s not fair. She has two small children and a partner, this isn’t how her life was ever meant to be. The cancer is all over her stomach, at her oesophageal junction and she also has pockets of cancer along her intestines and it looks like her ovaries are also swollen yet she is fighting and remaining upbeat, positive that she can buy more time.
*Update, as I was writing this she has posted a message to let us all know the chemo seems to be doing it’s job and although they cannot operate, it’s buying her more time, possibly to November and maybe more which is amazing, it’s more time to be with her babies and make more memories*
I don’t want to make this a sad blog post, I don’t want Stacey to read this and think “for fucksake Emma.” I want her to read this and smile, laugh even. Because laughing is something Stacey has always done so well. She has an energy about her that is rare, she’s got this ability to see the world through imaginary oversized photobooth style glasses and see the funny side of everything. Even now as I frantically look through her Facebook posts to see how she’s doing with her treatment, she is still laughing, seeing a positive in every little thing.
They say you never know what it’s got until it’s gone. Stacey hasn’t gone and yet I already know what I will be missing. Through High school, Stacey was my friend, she was a girl who made me laugh, she was a girl who didn’t judge and walked around with a mischeivous smile. We worked together for a short stint at Maccie D’s as young teenagers, there was a group of us working there and you could guarantee if there was laughter to be heard, it was coming from the direction of Stacey. Whoever takes the piss out of jobs at Maccies, pipe down! It’s probably one of the funniest places I’ve worked and if you’re lucky to have a Stacey like we did, you’ll never want to leave.
When we left school, Stacey went off to do her thing, I went off to do mine. We lost touch. I should never have allowed that to happen but, it did, and there’s no good dwelling on that because I know she won’t be, she’s too busy living. Right now, she’s creating memories for her partner Rob, her two little children and the two extra babies she has grown to love in her heart, Rob’s children.
If I ever bumped into Stacey in town , she always found the time to stop and talk, even if she was in a rush she would stop. We said we’d meet up but we just never got around to it, our lives got in the way. Still, we always had Facebook, I would laugh at the drunken photos people would post of her, she would laugh at the unfiltered statuses I would write. You see the common thing here right? Stacey is always laughing at something.
Right now, she has a tube shoved up her nose, she’s losing weight by the day and she’s full of drugs from the chemo, but she’s laughing. She’s doing her best to make everyone else smile. This week I read one of her posts and her friend had taken the piss out of her for blowing her out, I howled at Staceys comeback, I laughed and sharted a little at her response, a response I don’t think I would ever have been able to muster but she did, she responded with that sarcastic sense of humour that we all expect from her
“Yeah sorry, I was busy trying not to die”
Even now, she’s laughing and making light of a dog shit situation.
I guess what I want to say is this. It’s so easy to be remembered as someones Mother, someones friend, someones partner. It’ll be so easy for us to look back one day when she’s no longer with us and remember the bastard that will have taken her away from us but I refuse to do that. Stacey will never be the woman who had cancer. She won’t be known for just being a Mum and a partner, she will known to me as the girl who made me laugh on days when I didn’t think I could and without being in the room. Stacey will be the girl who introduced me to John Paul Gaultier as a teenager and the smell even now reminds me of her, she will be the one who had time for everyone, the one who found postives in the negatives, she will be the one that leaves a sparkle wherever she goes and lights a fire in the hearts of whoever comes into contact with her.
Recently, Stacey requested her friends and family write notes for her to look at, for her children to read when they are older, I set out to find the perfect humourous card for her but I can’t find one with enough profanities so I decided on a blog post instead and I know she likes to read these. Plus there’s absolutely shit all way I could fit all of these into a small card. Stacey, have you seen the prices of cards these days? I can’t afford to buy the whole of Clintons in order to cover all this! I thought I’d cry writing this post, I though it would make my heart swell with sadness but it hasn’t, instead, I keep smiling to myself and giggling under my breath because I know that’s the kind of thing she will be doing.
I know the obvious is one day going to happen, Stacey knows it too and that’s why she has been using the time to spend each day laughing and making the most of her time. But, when the time comes that she has gone, I know that one day, her legacy will read so much more than a Mother, girlfriend and friend. Stacey will be the twat that always makes us laugh.
Stacey, I’m a closet soppy bell end but I need you to know this, you are loved, so unbelievably fucking loved by every single perosn who knows you (unless you’ve pissed a few off along the way) and the courage you have shown has been nothing short of inspiring. I’m proud that I have had the priviledge to call you my friend, thank you for simply being ‘Our Stace” always remember that your fight is our fight, we are all here for you and will do whatever you need of us to help you. Keep going Mrs, you’ve been a medical marvel thus far and I have no doubt in my mind that with your strength and fighting spirit, you will again pull some kind of miracle out the bag. You may have cancer Stace, but you aren’t letting cancer have you, you don’t let it define you and you won’t let it dull your shine because that’s not you. You’ve never been a defeatest before and I know you won’t now. You are literally wonderwoman, but with shorter hair and a little less perky on the tit front (I’m not saying your tits aren’t where they should be but let’s face it, wonderwoman has a rack that even Katie Price couldn’t buy.)
Love you bird.
*IF READING THIS HAS TOUCHED YOUR HEART, STACEY WELCOMES DONATIONS TO CANCER RESEARCH, CLICK HERE FOR THE LINK
ALSO, THERE IS A GO JUST GIVING PAGE SET UP FOR STACEY TO RAISE FUNDS FOR STACEY SO THAT SHE CAN USE IT TO MAKE AS MANY HAPPY MEMORIES AS SHE CAN WITH HER FAMILY, IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO DONATE CLICK HERE FOR THE LINK