Back In The Building…


Hey, how you been?

That’s the question we all get asked isn’t it? 

How many of you answered with a simple “yeah fine?” when you really felt everything but?

So much has happened since I stopped blogging, the postman saw far to much of me than he ever should’ve, the rabbit had his balls done, my hair started falling out, we brought a new car, Nev took farting in public to the extreme and my mental health took a rapid decline. So you know, nothing too major. 

I’ve been toying lately with the idea of blogging again. The reasons I stopped last time will no doubt, always be there and no doubt, my confidence will disappear once or twice, but, this time, I refuse to give up. Blogging is something I need to do. Something I need to do to keep my thoughts in check and channelled in the right way. 

Today I was told by a “Mummy Blog” that I’d never have a successful blog, of that she could “guarantee me”, I was told my following would never grow and she could “promise me that” and then subsequently told to quit whilst I was ahead because I wasn’t good enough, I couldn’t do it.

Do you know what I did? I turned on Paul’s computer, signed up for my own domain and began choosing themes and all the other technical crap that I just don’t understand. And then I began writing. Writing before I planned, without my logo being ready, without any freshly shot photographs to publish. I just typed. 

You see this is the thing. Throughout my whole life I’ve been told I couldn’t. Told I wasn’t good enough. Told I’d never be a someone and would always be a no one. But that cycle needs to stop and I’m breaking it right now.

I don’t blog to be successful. Career blogging takes time, it takes money, patience, energy and willpower. It takes bravery to put yourself out there and step out of the “traditional job” comfort zone. I don’t want all of that. I just want to write because I love it, because writing makes me forget all the rubbish hands and remember all the happy moments. Because writing my thoughts helps keep the anxiety from going into over drive and frankly saves the bog roll from yet another anxiety poo. (I swear the toilet flush is fast becoming my personal ring tone) I just want to do what I love because I AM good enough. 

It’s been six weeks since I set foot through the door of my workplace. Six weeks ago, after one panic attack to many, I walked into the GP surgery, smudged my wing eyeliner with fresh salty tears and admitted I couldn’t cope. I took the weight off my shoulders and told her how I felt the world would be better without me in it, how I was dragging everyone down and how I’d even thought how many people would attend my funeral if I just gave up. I told her how I felt like I was failing at being a Mum, how I felt like I was going to end up changing Paul and would drag him down with me, I told her how going out in public alone made me feel physically sick, how I felt when I saw children playing happily with their parents, the pangs of envy I felt towards little tiny strangers. I told her how I felt like the happiest person alive to have everything I’ve ever wanted, yet the saddest around because of how I had to get there. The years of pain, abuse, fighting battles I couldn’t cope with, the years of heartbreak, cheating, put downs and grieving for people who are still alive. I told her the honest truth. Outside I was smiling but inside I was dying and nobody knew it but me.

I’m always the joker, if you read through my Instagram you’ll see I’m the first to crack a joke, to not take life too seriously, I will happily sit on the toilet and chat with you on a live chat whilst I relieve myself of the 73 cups of tea consumed in an hour.I will share funny quotes on Facebook and act the clown in front of friends. I mask my feelings well. 

You could say I’m the sad clown. 

I could say you were right. 

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve come a long way in six weeks. I can go for short walks alone, I can put my make up on some days and today I even straightened my hair, brushed my teeth and did the housework before 9am. I can’t promise tomorrow will be the same but I can promise you I am trying. And that my loves, is all I can do. 

So to the delightful “Mummy blogger” who was so quick to call me all the names under the sun today and put me down. I hope you never say those things to your children or even in their ear shot and I hope the words you said today are never repeated to someone else because, like I said in response, it’s an ugly attitude to have. I hope you one day get to read this blog and know that you didn’t kick a girl when she was down, you kicked a girl when she was getting back up. 

The only failure today was you thinking you could join the queue and put me down. Well I’m sorry, the queue ended six weeks ago when I walked into the surgery and asked for help. But I want to thank you, because you made me want to write again when I wasn’t sure I could. 

And whatever I do, in my own way, I will succeed. I guarantee you.

Em xox

19 thoughts on “Back In The Building…

  1. πŸ’ƒπŸΌπŸ’ƒπŸΌπŸ’ƒπŸΌ this is my happy dance that I’m doing for you, (in my head because to actually dance would mean getting off the sofa around now) and this… πŸ–•πŸ» is to all those who told you all that bullshit!

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  2. Hey missus, reading this & thinking she’s talking about me lol I’ve been off work 6 months now not just with the anxiety & depression I’ve got other health issues too. Anyway so glad you’re doing this it’s a way of letting people know there are not alone. Absolutely loving following you on Instagram your stories really make me laugh & smile. Keep doing what you do lovely. Love n hugs Shazzabella πŸ’ž

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    1. You may not think it now darl, but you WILL get there.

      Celebrate the small steps, if that means something as simple as getting dressed and going for a walk, it’s an achievement.
      Nobody knows your battles but always know you’re not alone and I’m always there if you need to message me xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Ignore her Emma! This is your time to shine and not for anyone to bring you down. I know exactly who she is – sparklesandstretchmarks – followed and unfollowed me 3 times within the last month – to gain a following. I also saw her vile Instagram story earlier verbally abusing you to the highest degree because you dared confront her about it. But yet still following your every move and commenting on your blog post? Attention seeking at its finest.
    Move along please and focus on your bad day rather than making other people have a bad day also x

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    1. Thanks Hun.

      You won’t be the first or last person to come forward today and tell me she’s done the same to them.

      I WILL call people out when they do it because quite frankly, I don’t respect those type of accounts, I respect the bloggers that work hard to gain the respect and interaction with others.
      The message she has written on my blog is very inaccurate in comparison to the messages in my inbox. She DID say all those things, I quote:

      “You will never grow your blog, I absolutely promise you”

      With no reference to my attitude in that particular comment.

      Also

      “Crawl back under my bridge”

      And that was just in writing, the things said on her stories and the profanities used were a little extreme and considering she promotes mental health, should also be fully aware of what that could do to someone in my current situation.

      Perhaps she’s just not used to people actually noticing and calling her out for it, whatever her reasons, she’s not someone I would ever associate with if that’s her idea of empowering others and supporting those with MH issues.

      Off back under my bridge now. Much love xxx

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  4. You’re amazing & I couldn’t be more proud of you if I tried. So glad you’re back in business! Keep smiling, it’s beautiful when you do. Loves ya! Xxx

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