Those 20 Things….

Alright my lovers…

I’m currently on a week of annual leave from work and somewhere along the way, I knew I needed to fit in a blog post. Writing comes easy to me, I talk non stop so it’s not like I’m ever short of words. But, by the Law Of Sod, when I do have the time to write, you can bet I get writers block and a shit load of half written drafts.  Typically, when I should be doing the important stuff, there I am blogging, usually mid way through the Tesco shop or when I should be cooking dinner for the tribe and I end up trying to convince the kids that charcoaled carrots are indeed, a thing. 

I’ve got a few blog posts ready to post but, in true Emma style, something else has caught my eye and I’ve done a bit of a U-Turn to get this one out first. 

If, like me, you’re an Instagram fanatic, you know, one step away from sitting on plastic garden chairs  set in a circle in a musty Village Hall, nibbling away on Rich Tea biscuits that just don’t dunk well in cold tea, ready to declare “Hi, my name is Em and I’m an Instaholic,” then you’ll know what I mean when I talk about the little tag, “20 things about me.”

I don’t know about anyone else but I like reading these little quirks that make us who we are, the little things that we may not know about the people we speak to daily or sit on our lunch breaks admiring their Pinterest worthy homes that only a lottery win can buy. So, I thought I’d make mine into a blog post seeing as I’ve had quite a tags to join in. I’m all about two birds and one stone. 

So here it is, my 20 things about me that you may or may not already know. 

1 • Many people are under the assumption that I birthed 3 children.    I didn’t. Not only would my poor vagina not cope with the trauma, but, I became unfertile after having Beth due to a string of medical conditions that led to a full hysterectomy aged 29. Life of death is no exaggeration. But I didn’t choose life, I choose Beth because to me, she’s even more important. George and Lyla are actually my step children.

2 • I find Step Parenting even more difficult than parenting Beth. With Beth, there are no outspoken boundaries, she’s my daughter and I will parent her the way I wish to, the best way I can. But with step children, there is a Mother whose feelings must be respected and whether I agree with her or disagree, it’s not my place to argue with or step over the lines she has in place. They are her and Paul’s children, parenting is their place not mine, mine is simply to be their friend and guide them as I would guide Beth.

3 • I’m a rootin’ tootin’ menopausal bag of hormones and, when I’m in the throws of a hot flush, I could kick start an Australian Bush Fire. 

4 • I’m petrified of Morris Dancers. It maybe an old tradition but to me, it’s the freakiest thing I’ve ever known and just being nearby gives me sweat burgers under my armpits. I just can’t deal with them.

5 • I recently discovered that Tuna is actually a fish and not a fake wannabe fish. Also, it cannot be kept in a tropical fish tank.

6 • In May last year, I finally found my Dad after 33 years of being kept apart. I finally feel like I know who I am. Im definitely my Fathers child in so many ways.

7 • For example, I’m very stubborn. I never back down from an argument and will dive in head first without thinking, say what needs to be said then possibly regret it later. My Nan and my Aunt say it’s a trait I’ve definitely inherited from my Daddy. 

8 • I have no filter. I say whatever is in my head and have zero air and grace. I’m an open book, happy to tell you whatever you want to know within reason, nothing is sugar coated, I’m not Willy Wonka, you want the sweet version? Good luck with that golden ticket. You won’t find it here. I’d fart in front of the Queen and talk dildos to to the Prime Minister (she looks like she needs one).

9 • I cannot bear materialistic people. I firmly believe in sticking to roots, it’s ok to have it all, it’s ok to want nice things but, it’s good to remember that you can lose it all in a second, and, if that even happened, you’d still be left with the same colour shit on the toilet paper after a good wipe. Humility is more attractive than any possession.

10 • Because I have a vagina and tits that are still growing aged 33 and 3/4, this means I must have an addiction to candles. It’s a standard requirement of anyone who has or still bleeds for seven days without dying right? You won’t find me looking in Aldi for those Jo Malone style jars though. My addiction lies solely with Holly’s House candles. If I don’t have at least 10 in my home, then I consider this as low supply. Also, Holly is the funniest prick I know and if we were teenagers, she would be in my “Squad”. 

11 • Last night, Beth told me whilst I was having a bit of a paddy and started bawling my eyes out, to “come on Mum, you’re being a bit of a twat now”. I think that’s one of my most proud moments. Not because she called me a twat, but because I’ve raised her well enough to not be afraid to tell someone when they are  in the wrong and not to say things just because it’s what people want to hear.

12 • My other addiction is cups and mugs. Anthropologie made me do it, followed quickly by Oliver BonasTkMaxxMarks and SpencerHomesenseUrban Outfitters and anywhere else that sell a pretty bit of tea drinking furniture. It’s got to the point now whereby if Beth sees a cup she knows is my jam, it goes in the basket with no questions. She’s like a well trained puppy, she even flushes the toilet after herself. 

13 • I can’t stand coffee. I’m sorry, don’t hate me. I just can’t. I drink it very occasionally but I can’t stand it, the headaches and the sick feeling for hours after are enough to make me want to leave a pube on every single Starbucks counter in the world and have them never serve the stuff again.

14 • I’m all about Ryan Gosling, one day, I will get him to husband me and we will spend our days eating jelly tots from our belly buttons, of that I’m sure, but, there is also the small matter of Dick Van Dyke from back in the Mary Poppins day. Be still my beating heart.

15 • I can’t keep anything alive. Don’t panic, the kids are fine. I’m talking plants, flowers, succulents and Cactis. In fact, I’ve got seven David Austin Roses in my back garden that bloomed beautifully last years that are currently in a very sorry state. I brought a pack of Peonie bulbs at the weekend, Paul snaughed at me and told me “it’s just another thing to kill”. These fingers are definitely not green. 

16 • If I could change one thing about Paul, I’d get him watch Twilight with me. But he won’t. Ever. He doesn’t appreciate Edward Cullen like I do. 

17 • I love buying people presents. They don’t have to be expensive, I just get my kicks from making other people smile. I don’t give to receive. Some people can spend so much time putting others first that it’s nice to reward them.

18 • My ears have to be cold. Freezing cold at all times. Nothing annoys me more than hot ears, if they’re the wrong temperature I get irritable. You’ll always see me tickling them to keep them cold, it’s a comfort thing and something I’ve done since I was shitting yellow and burping milk. 

19 • My favourite colour is grey. Fifty shades of it. No butt plugs or spanking are involved however. Just lots and lots of grey. 

20 • I still watch Home & Away and Neighbours everyday. Alf Stewart is an absolute dreamboat and was my idol as a child.

And that my dears, is my 20 things that make me the rare breed I am today. 

Em xox

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