I’m proud to say, I survived my first week back to work after the Christmas break.
I do however, believe there must be something wrong with the scales as it seems they are a whole 7lbs out of sync since I last weighed myself on Christmas Eve. Somehow, I don’t think Boots will accept a refund on the basis that the bloody things have been too honest.
I’m now polishing off the last of the Christmas cake before I start back on the boiled eggs and salads, seriously, I LOVE being a size 12 and having child bearing hips (even though my body can no longer bear a child) but it comes to the point when even my new wellies don’t fit me. I no longer have calves or ankles, just one long thigh. And I think the less we say about my gunt, the better.
To distract myself from constantly eating, I’ve gone on a mission to find distractions from the cookie jar. I’ve thrown myself into decorating the house but most importantly, I’ve thrown myself into preparing for a big birthday.
In just over 8 weeks, Nev will turn 14. Now I’m not going to lie and say that having a teenager has been easy because quite frankly, it’s pure bollucks. I’ve found it to be the most challenging of all. Don’t get me wrong, it goes without saying I ADORE my daughter, she’s reason I wake up in the morning smiling and the same reason I go to bed wondering how I made it through the day without having a breakdown.
It doesn’t matter how many parenting books there are out there, how many online advise forums or how much advise you seek from friends, everyone’s teenager is different.
This is my little survival guide to having a teenage daughter, the things I wish I’d been warned about.
1) It doesn’t matter what you do, what you say or however much you bend over backwards, everything will always be your fault. Pure and simple.
2) If your daughter tells you she needs a new set of make up brushes, she really does. Ok, you and I both know she doesn’t but in her world, 167 make up brushes aren’t enough so give up trying to protest and put your hand back in your purse.
3) You’re daughter miraculously has the longest periods in the world, in fact, she’s going to hit the Guinness Book Of World Records soon given the amount of notes you’ve had to write excluding her from P.E in one month. Sorry Miss, but her ovaries really have gone to battle and are showing no signs of surrender any time soon. Just photocopy that letter, sign and date when needed.
4) Stop trying to get a nice photograph of your teenage daughter. It’s not going to happen. She’s either going to look at you like you’ve just asked her to surrender all those make up brushes or she’ll pull a stupid face and that’ll be as much as you’re allowed. You’ll later go on her Instagram and find she’s posted a selfie.
5) Don’t bother trying to have a deep and meaningful with her when she’s busy keeping up her streaks on snapchat. Trust me, that’s more important than the death of your Great Aunt Doris. (I made that bit up, I have no Great Aunt Doris but you get the point)
6) You can be stood in the middle of Tesco surrounded by thousands of meal options yet she still doesn’t know what she wants for dinner but she’s staaaarvvviiing.
7) You will never win an argument. Now I’m pretty good at arguing but even I have to back down because she will always have the last word. If needed, she will send a carrier pigeon just to make sure she’s got the last word in.
8) Asking your daughter to take her trousers and her knickers off separately for washing is a no go. You can ask but she won’t do it, and, when you don’t check that everything has been separated, it’s your fault her once white knickers are now fifty shade of grey because you washed them with her black jeans.
9) Teenage daughters will tell you you’re current shoes are shit but then, fast forward six months, everyone is wearing them and she needs a pair. But she definitely didn’t slag them off six months ago.
10) Teenage daughters will keep secrets. They’ll tell you they tell you everything but they won’t. I know Nev keeps secrets from me but she won’t admit it and it’s not my place to push it. Just accept that your teenager doesn’t deem you cool enough to tell you absolutely everything even if you want to believe she does.
11) You and your teenage daughter will butt heads. You’ll try hard to be the parent who doesn’t fight with her kids but you will. Because teenage daughters have the answer to everything and your so called life experience is null and void.
12) Her friends will think you’re cool, but she won’t, she will find you cringey and embarrassing. Stop trying to be nice to her friends. They’re her friends not yours.
13) No matter how many times you tell them to scrape off some of that make up before she leaves the house, she’ll reapply those eyebrows and add another layer of lipstick on the way to school.
14) Always have a spare supply of chocolate for that time of the month, just be ready to take the blame for being the reason she’s got spots.
15) Always be one step ahead of the teenage trends, what was cool yesterday, isn’t today so yes Mum, having six pairs of the same trainers is ok. And don’t bother saying money doesn’t grow on trees, they’ll still argue it.
There you have it, a few little teenage truths. I’m looking forward to Nev being 14, I’m just fully aware that this time next year, that list will be twice as long.
Still, I wouldn’t change being a parent for the world. These testing teenage years are just character building. Right?
* If you’re child is older, feel free to tell me it gets easier*